And that’s not the scary part. With the fall season in full swing and Halloween fast approaching, there’s no better time than now for a first look at what’s coming to cinemas this Hallows’ Eve. Global Glam compiled a list of four soon-to-be-released major motion pictures you should definitely steer clear of when preparing for a night at the movies.
– Noah Orent
Image by Hilary Bronwyn Gayle, courtesy of IMDB
- The Snowman (Premiered October 20th)
Who in their right mind would want to see a film about a serial killer who decapitates women and uses their heads as part of a childhood staple? That is what this reviewer asked himself after seeing the trailer for “The Snowman”, a shockingly stupid crime thriller based on Jo Nesbø’s best-selling mystery novel of the same name.
Not only is it derivative of classic thrillers like Alfred Hitchcock’s “Dial M for Murder” and modern thrillers like David Fincher’s “Zodiac”, both of which remain cinematic fixtures to this day, it takes what might have been an exciting book-to-film adaptation and twists it until it is so deformed that the original text is not even recognizable.
While “The Snowman” will probably solve the mystery for you and save you from having to leave the theater with more questions than answers, the only mystery this film can’t solve is why it made it to cinemas in the first place.
- Suburbicon (Premieres October 27th)
There are certain situations in life when words cannot describe what one is feeling. This reviewer underwent said experience after seeing the trailer for “Suburbicon”, a George Clooney-directed dramedy about the violent underbelly of a 1950s community, in cinemas.
Co-stars Matt Damon and Julianne Moore will no doubt entice viewers radiate an allure that is, for lack of a better word, provocative, but they are ultimately overshadowed by the gratuitous violence that infests the film like a virus. There is so much violence in the trailer alone one feels the urge to vomit.
There is, in this reviewer’s honest opinion, little more to say about “Suburbicon”. Except for this: Stay away from this film. It will do your stomach a big favor.
- Geostorm (Premiered October 20th)
Hollywood has a nasty habit of taking ideas that make no sense and trying – emphasis on the word trying – to pass them off as blockbusters. “Geostorm”, a CGI-laden disaster film that marks the directorial debut of “Independence Day” co-writer Dean Devlin, is one of those ideas.
This trite spectacle, which revolves around a system of satellites designed to control the weather on a global scale, is teeming with so many hackneyed plot devices and half-baked characterizations it becomes impossible to stay interested. While there are a few moments – a massive tidal wave crashing into Dubai and engulfing everything in its path being the most prominent – that will make your jaw drop, it’s still heinously boring when all’s said and done.
Not even the long-in-the-tooth charisma of leading man Gerard Butler can make up for the fact that “Geostorm” represents a new low, inasmuch as it fails to meet the requisite standards of storytelling one craves when searching the cinemas for a thrilling new movie.
- Jigsaw (Premieres October 27th)
Thirteen years ago, James Wan made his feature directorial debut with a horror film about a serial killer holding two men hostage in a bathroom. Seven lackluster follow-up films and two unimaginative video games later, the “Saw” series remains one of the highest grossing horror film franchises of all time. So it came as a surprise to learn filmmakers Michael and Peter Spierig were reviving the series with a sequel that cast doubt on the status of the eponymous mass murderer, who – spoiler alert – died at the end of the third installment.
But unlike fans of the cult classic, this reviewer feels “Jigsaw” should have never been made. All this schlockfest does is continue doing what all overproduced, underdeveloped horror features have done: put blood and guts on a pedestal and attempt to pass it off as entertainment. The stiff dialogue and stale performances only succeed in making matters worse, as they both lack the raw, naked emotion that made “Friday the 13th” and “A Nightmare on Elm Street” so perennially popular. As for the central cast, not a single member is worth mentioning due to their complete inability to make the spectator feel anything for them.
This sorry excuse of a feature film is a perfect example of unnecessary filmmaking, a testament to how far the horror industry has fallen and how far it will continue to fall if we keep seeing films like “Jigsaw” in our local cinemas.
Now that you’ve had a glimpse of what’s coming to cinemas, I hope you make the right choice when deciding what not to see. Until then, see you at the movies!
– N.O.
