This is a follow-up article to last week’s article announcing the Intelligence Squared U.S. Debate “Swipe Left: Dating Apps Have Killed Romance,” held in NYC on February 8, 2018.
By Suzanne Dooley
Well, the votes came in and it was an overwhelming landslide. Last week’s intelligence2 Valentine’s Day debate on the motion “Swipe Left: Dating Apps Have Killed Romance” left no wiggle room on this issue whatsoever. An unequivocal “no” was had: dating apps have not killed romance.
As is customary in an intelligence2 debate, where fluidity of opinion is important, thoughtful debaters were had on both sides. Romance took on the Oxford English Dictionary’s meaning during the debate: “a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.” Those for the motion argued: Dating apps are “fast food romance”; “treat people like products”; “it’s a world of limitless dating choices which makes true romance harder to find.” Those against the motion argued: “Dating apps allow you to meet people who you might not otherwise have a chance to meet”; “it’s the newest way to do the same old thing”; “it breaks down social barriers and allows you to expand your options.”
Both sides are, indeed, correct. However, in this digital age, dating apps are just one of the many examples as to how our personal and professional lives are being reshaped, and not necessarily replaced. And that, of course, includes romance and the dating process itself. The method of voting used in the intelligence2 debate was had on personally-owned phones with the choice of three options: Yes. No. Undecided. Similar to dating app options, no? The irony was not overlooked. By me anyway.
Love In The Time Of Tinder
“Hey.” “Whaaaaat’s Up.” “You’re hot.”
Yes, these have been some of the introductory messages I have received on dating apps from supposedly educated men over the age of 35. I have also been on the receiving end of a declaration of an abiding love for me before he knew my name and I, his name (yes, of course, I swiped left). And I’ve also experienced the dreaded, no response.
Last week Drew Barrymore spoke about her dating app experience. And it turns out it’s very similar to mine. Drew was asked by Guy#1: What is someone like you doing on an app like this? She was puzzled as to how to respond to this question. Was it an insult or compliment? Texting with Guy#2, she asked him if he was inclined to go for a drink. No response. Ever. Guy#3 texts Drew that he could meet up with her but only from 7-8 p.m., as he had something else to do afterwards. (By the way, this one-hour interlude is considered by most a “date.”)
Drew says she done with dating apps. I’m much more optimistic. At least, for the time being.
The Bad Boy vs. Mr. Right
This is the digital age and it’s here to stay and so, of course, dating and romance has taken on a 21st century flare. And, yes, as with any unchartered territory, problems arise. But so do opportunities. With the majority of intelligence2 voters agreeing that dating apps have not killed romance – then how do we find it online? Is online romance any different from the bar scene? Walking down the street? As Samantha from Sex And The City warned us: “It’s slim pickings out there. You can’t swing a Fendi purse without knocking over five losers.”
So, here are some rules for online dating if you’re in pursuit of romance:
If you select the Bad Boy/Bad Girl, say good-bye to a relationship, romance and real love. Most often this is a potential hookup. Only.
If you think you’re being hustled, you are. Trust your intuition; it’s always right.
If he or she is self-employed. Ask a lot of questions.
Be selective. This is not a popularity contest if you’re truly seeking romance. Meeting Mr./Mrs. Right means meeting your Mr./Mrs. Right.
Don’t take things personal. Ever.
Don’t text for weeks. A text here and there usually results in a face-to-face simu-date. If you want a real date, prepare to meet that person early on during the texting phase. And meet in a public setting.
Dating is a game of perseverance and keeping your eye on the prize is essential. And your prize is not another’s prize. It’s not a competition. It’s about compatibility.
It Only Takes One Swipe Right
Online dating is the LinkedIn to find love -or lust- depending upon your wants. Don’t mix these two Ls up. If you’re seeking romance, the right date will feel just that: right. If not, move on.
And remember, there is one notion that remains relevant today and we learned it from Carrie Bradshaw not too long ago. “Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.” Thank you, Ms. Bradshaw! We single ladies (and guys) appreciate such candor.
To watch the intelligence2 full debate: Swipe Left: Dating Apps Have Killed Romance, click here: https://www.intelligencesquaredus.org/debates/swipe-left-dating-apps-have-killed-romance
-SD
Preliminary article published on February 8, 2018 is below.
If you live in New York City, you’re familiar with the intelligence2 debate series. If outside of the NYC area, then this evening’s debate is the one for you to livestream!
Have Dating Apps Killed Romance?
By Suzanne Dooley
Since 2006 Intelligence Squared U.S., a non-partisan, non-profit organization, has been an award-winning debate series whose “mission is to restore critical thinking, facts, reason, and civility to American public discourse.” Intelligence2 encourages the public to “think twice” on a variety of cultural and political topics.
Tired Of Swiping Left?
Have Dating Apps Killed Romance?
This evening, intelligence2 will present a special Valentine’s Day debate on the motion “Swipe Left: Dating Apps Have Killed Romance.” Since digital dating has become a multi-billion dollar industry that draws in as many as 40 percent of Americans, it seems fair to ask: Are dating apps really designed to promote lasting love? To find out, join tonight’s intelligence2 debate -either in person or online.
Debating in support of the motion are sociologist, Eric Klinenberg, co-author with Aziz Ansari of Modern Romance, and Manoush Zomorodi, host of the Note to Self podcast from WNYC Studios. Debating against the motion are Match.com’s chief scientific advisor, Helen Fisher, who studies the neural systems associated with romantic love, and OkCupid’s Vice President of Engineering, Tom Jacques. This evening will open with a keynote Q&A with Daniel Jones, the editor of the New York Times’ hugely popular “Modern Love” column.
Join The Debate
Have Dating Apps Killed Romance?
So, come join this debate -in person or watch it online- and cast your vote to join the conversation!
WHAT: Intelligence Squared U.S. Debates “Swipe Left: Dating Apps Have Killed Romance”
WHEN: Tuesday, February 6, 2018 / Reception 6:00-6:45 / Debate 7:00-8:30 PM
WHERE: Kay Center at Hunter College (695 Park Ave at 69th, New York, NY)
TICKETS: $40 ($12 for students w/ ID). To purchase, visit http://www.intelligencesquaredus.org/
The debate will also stream live online at https://www.youtube.com/embed/41RUPvs4kZA
-SD
18 comments
I am a devout listener and supporter of NYC’s outstanding public radio station WNYC, whose program roster includes “Intelligence Squared.” This evening, thanks to a friend’s generosity, I will be a member of the voting audience! I am looking forward to this participatory event—not sure which position and argument the majority of the audience will like best. Stay tuned to find out!
Love the intelligence2 debates and I am an avid listener to their podcast. Looking forward to SD’s follow-up article . . . this is a hot topic!
I am as well looking forward to the follow-up article, I hate online dating but at times it is a hit or miss.
I’ve never tried any online dating apps, I met my husband in college. But I can see how either side would be arguable, since it gives you the chance to meet people, but at the same time lacks the fun in meeting by chance.
I am not in the market and I’ve never tried online dating apps. I have a 21 year older daughter and has no time due to her busy schooling schedule. I can see her taking the online dating route.
Though I definitely understand the benefits of dating apps, I am so glad I didn’t have to use them when I was younger. I’ve heard great success stories but the consistent lack of conversational etiquette and follow-through would be too much for me. Good luck to all who use them!
Well I met my spouse about 7 years on an online dating website! So its a definite hit or miss u never know.
I had no idea that a one-hour interlude is considered a date. I’ve never used a dating app but I figure with anything it’s dependent on the people
I’ve never tried dating apps but I get it, times are changing, the dynamics are shifting to a new direction and I’m all pro-revolution. I’ve been with my partner since I was 18 so I never had the chance to give that a go, but I don’t think that’s the end of romance, not at all..
I have never tried dating apps but I know people that have gone on to have successful marriages from them, so I know they can work. I prefer “traditional” dating but maybe if I were single I would try a dating app. LOL. Thanks for the tips. Im sure a lot of people appreciate it.
You have such a great perspective. Love this. I haven’t used a dating app, so I’ve never really thought about it.
I have never tried any dating apps before. Josh and I met through work – started out as friends with tons of common interest and can always have a good laugh to now a couple. I’m not a huge supporter of dating apps but I can see why some people would look into using dating apps.
I cannot imagine someone like Drew Barrymore needing a dating app. But yes, I feel like most of them have really cheapened dating. I don’t believe that’s the intent, but they seem to be mostly meat markets. I remember when my husband I were playing around with OKCupid before we finally hooked up. We’d been high school sweethearts. Went our own separate ways. Later, he re-connected to me through Classmates.com – and later, we both signed up for OKCupid. It’s amazing some of the responses I still get – even though my profile is set to seeking friends only. None of them are interested in friendship – not even a little bit.
This is interesting and entertaining to read! I have been married for 15 years, so long before dating apps, but wow!!! How things have changed 🙂
I have never tried any dating apps before, I consider myself very lucky to have met my sweetheart in high school. My sister, however, is finding it very hard to find someone she would like to spend her time with, besides the fact that she’s extremely busy all the time. But she has taken the online route before. I really hope she finds someone worthy of her, these online programs don’t really convince me.
This was such an interesting and entertaining read. I do not know much about dating apps, but it definitely looks like it’s a whole different world.
Honestly I have never ever used a dating app. I met my husband 7 years ago and we were working in the same office. I think app or no app, only once you meet in person you actually get to know the compatibility.
Dating apps do work and no one who is single cares about who doesn’t use them. The key to them is simple swipe everyone and filter the bots, IG models, cowards, creeps and mutes. Meeting women in real life the same issue. Women will pass on a good man so you have to filter them. They tend to think they have time. Creep men think it’s okay to harass it is not. Security features are the key, honest reporting and pointing out the real problem. Selling a dream and it is profitable.